Is MARRIAGE really a HAPPILY ever after?

Yesterday, I asked my followers about the topics they want me to discuss as I plan to make a blog post today. As I compile their questions, I had the heart to discuss more about marriage. Using the questions you have, I will discuss more about the story after the “I do.”

Note : I am not an expert. I am just basing my advices and suggestions on my experiences and the lessons I learned from church.

1. Q : How can I help my husband, who’s suffering from low self esteem and diagnosed with anxiety/depression?

A : Would you believe me if I tell you that I myself suffered from low self esteem and I too am having anxiety attacks once in awhile? It is very common for women. I will always say this again and again — There is no such thing as “perfect marriage” or a step-by-step solution to every problem. It doesn’t mean that since it worked for me, it will work for you too.. but for the sake of helping you out, I will give you my top 3 tips on how to recover from depression and regain your self-confidence :

A. Pray. I guess it sounds so OA if someone will tell you to “pray,” but these things are already out of our control and no one can help his mind to be renewed but God. The best confidence is the confidence to know how much God loves us. If we won’t pray for our spouse, who else will? Why worry when we can pray? How to pray? Just how you talk to your father —- direct and detailed. There’s no right or wrong here. Just communicate and tell God what your heart wants and listen to what He wants you to do next.

B. Compliment him. Make him feel needed. Assure him of your love – always! Nothing beats the feeling of being in love and knowing that the person you love appreciates what you do and love you as much as you do.

C. Communicate. Talk to him. Check on him. See what he needs even before he say it. Make it your habit to check on your hubby everyday. Make sure that when you communicate, both had the chance to listen and talk. It is only considered productive when you feel peaceful after the conversation.

Note : These tips apply to wives too.

2. Q : Tips on how to stay married after you both fall out of love.

A : Hmmm.. whatever reason you may have for staying married should be one of the reasons for you to still hold on. But if you don’t have a valid reason yet.. let me give you a few ideas of the things you would be having after annulment :

A. Broken lives of your child/ren. Whether they tell you or not, a part of them will definitely be broken after your break-up.

B. Regret. Of all the efforts you put into your relationship for you to be married and now you’re choosing annulment?

C. Questions. If you did everything you can do in your power to stay married. So before you decide to leave.. make sure you already did everything you can. For marriage, as long as God permits, should be everlasting.

3. Q : How to know if he is “THE ONE”

A : No one knows. But usually, THE ONE is someone who :

– fears God

– brings you closer to God

– responsible

– doesn’t allow you to sin or be tempted

– respects and loves you without a doubt

Note : Sometimes, you need to know a couple of FAKE ONES so they could lead you to the RIGHT ONES. Don’t stop believing and asking God for him/her. Have faith. Not all relationships are the same.

4. Q : Once married, how should a mom represent herself well?

A : A mom’s fashion sense isn’t the basis of how great she is as a mother. Instead, it is her way to introduce to the world how her children should be treated. I take care of myself and wear clothes modestly because I want my children to be respected and favored. My way of clothing is my way of telling the world how I treat myself, how I want others to treat me, and how they should treat my children. Here are some samples :

When my husband is not around, I wear the simplest clothes possible.. but when he is not around.. I dress like a queen. For a queen only dresses sexy for her king.

Remember : It is not about the clothes you wear.. it is about your intention of wearing one.

5. Q : How do you cope up with separation anxiety when your spouse is in another country/different location?

A : One thing you should know about me is that I have trauma in goodbyes. My dad promised when he left us that he will see us all the time.. but he didn’t. We only see him once a year for maximum of 3 to 5 hours, all senseless topics.

I cried for weeks when my dog Joshua died. I remember my mom telling my dad, “Aso pa lang yan dad. Kawawa si Japs paglaki kung ganiyan siya ka-emotional.” And yes, dinala ko siya paglaki.

People have to understand that we have different preferences and thresholds. You may have the ability to be separated from your family but I do not. It is not my preference to be separated from my family, may it be because of work or whatever reason there is. This is why, I refuse to recover from separation anxiety.. for I can never accept why a family shouldn’t be together.

But, given the chance that you know God has a reason for a season of separation, I know some tips to feel less lonely :

1. Work more, sad no more. When you fill your hours with more work and you make yourself busier, you will most likely feel less sad.

2. Pray. Nothing beats the peace we can only have through Jesus after praying. Pray together on the phone, it works.

3. Communicate constantly. Be your usual selves – giggle, make jokes, tell stories. Be casual when talking, chatting or video calling daily.

4. Write letters or daily posts on your social media accounts – may it be public or a post that only the 2 of you can see. In this way, every year, Facebook will remind you how much you have grown in your relationship as the years go by.

Again, thank you for all your questions. I hope I was able to help you and answer your questions well. Thank you for the trust!

Do I believe that “happily ever after” exist? Yes! If your mind is set on the future goal of your family, it is possible. If your heart still remembers how much you have fought for your love, it is possible. If your mouth now knows how to shut and instead bask in the beautiful life you already have, it is possible. Pray hard, life is not a fairytale, it is actually more than that! God bless!